However, until such time as that happens, I wanted to briefly detail last night's happenings. See, as a film critic I feel it is important to expose myself to as many different kinds of film as possible, regardless of who made it. And being that he seems to be everybody's favourite whipping boy (although www.uweboll.com is no longer active), we figured it wouldn't really be fair to rip into him without actually having seen any of his movies. And so a double bill was arranged, although we decided to do it on a Saturday so that we could properly drink ourselves into oblivion, just in case it was as bad as we had feared.
And the verdict?
Let's just say that we polished off 3 of the 5 bottles of basement wine Owen brought with him & a good deal of his armpit flavoured moonshine. Not to mention the 2 glasses of cheap white I had consumed before anyone got there. Also, Uwe Boll is my hero.
I didn't know when we started that "House of the Dead" & "Alone in the Dark" had both been filmed in BC, which should have been a tip-off right there. In some ways I think we all preferred "House of the Dead" if only because it had boobies. And mossmen. And pirate skeletons. And Jay Brazeau as a Conquistador Captain. And an Asian girl named "Liberty" in an American flag jumpsuit . And zombie wipes. Actually, our drinking game for "House of the Dead" involved drinking every time there was a zombie wipe, which nearly killed Will & me during the climactic fight scene. And let's not short change the amazing pan-arounds where the weapons in the close-up have nothing to do with the weapons the characters are actually holding. And even the opening line was amazing: "It was a nightmare. So many dead people. So many victims. I all started a few days ago when I came here for a rave." A rave! On an Island in the Pacific Northwest! With Bif Naked as the DJ! Seriously, I could go on and on.
After we determined that everyone had survived, I decided to put on the special features which were nearly as amazing as the movie. First off was the "Babes of House of the Dead" feature where they took the jiggle actresses they'd roped into being in the movie & set them loose on a painball range with a bunch of doofuses in zombie make-up (no protective gear at all). And it ends with them in a hot-tub! Then we put on a bit of the commentary since I'd read online that it was hysterical & Uwe Boll was described as "a clueless, retarded Verhoeven". Pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. We will likely be programming the commentary for "House of the Dead" later on. Maybe with "Total Recall"...
"Alone in the Dark", although funnier if only for the amazing casting, wasn't nearly as "great" as "House of the Dead", but it did have Tara Read and that's something. Sure it had a budget (sort of), but where were the boobies! Or the ridiculous back story? I could not tell you for my life what the fuck happened in this movie. Most of the film's running time was spent laughing, crawling on the floor to get more booze & trying to determine exactly when Christian Slater had jumped the shark. I mean, he was in "Heathers" for God's sake! "Heathers"!!
Once that was over with we decided to watch a bit of the special features on the DVD, which although not as fan-boy awesome, did provide footage of the "writer", Elan Mastai (who actually used to be a programer at the VIFF), talking about why videogames make good source material.
In summary, let's just say that I'm going to be first in line at "Bloodrayne". I'll keep the flask warm if you meet me there.
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