Weekend Round-Up (Jack & Jill Stag Post-Mortem)

Decided it was time I start chronicling the events of last Saturday before I forget them all together. Corrections/omissions welcomed in comments.

2pm-ish: Got on the bus & lugged our crap to the Clubhouse. Managed to avoid crazy people on bus (no small feat these days). Could have been due to compulsive blinking of right eye in an attempt to expunge the chunk of eye make-up that got stuck under my eyelid, almost blinding me. Drinks: 0

3pm-ish: Show up at racetrack w/ Grae, Corinne & Mike. Decide that "Main Entrance" maybe wasn't specific enough. Drinks: 0

3pm - 5pm-ish: Are met by Cameron, the racing expert & various others. Get fed a beer and watch others make small bets. In the 8th race a horse named "Lord Samurai" is found and it is determined that everyone should contribute $1 to make a bet in my name. Total bet is $12 and odds are pretty good despite horse not doing so well in his last 3 races. Bob makes his own personal bet on the same horse and is threatened with beats if our horse looses as he has jinxed things. "Lord Samurai" comes dead last in his race but I refrain from beating Bob if only so Rachael doesn't have to drag his bloody carcass home since she is dressed nicely. Drinks: 1

5pm - 6:30-ish: Go back to Clubhouse to ditch car, make silly hats for Beej & I and consume 1 shot. Drinks: 1

7pm - 9:30-ish: Convene @ Shabusen for delicious All You Can Eat sushi & Korean BBQ. There are at least 2 people in ties. Beej finally shows and we are fed Sake. Kat only waves flaming meat in the air twice. Staff is polite about our ever expanding party as people who had not bothered to RSVP decided to show up, late. Beej is fed disgusting looking jello concoction in attempt to gross him out, but he finds it delicious. Later we are both fed Tako (octopus), he again enjoys it. I make awful faces & end up chewing for 5 straight minutes. Spot man dressed as "Duct Tape Warrior" sitting in other section of restaurant. Decide he has us trumped in the "silly hats" department. I demand more Sake. Drinks: 4 - 5

9:30 - 11-ish: Walk to bus stop. Both Mike & Beej need to be chased through Virgin. We mock the Christian interpretative dancers outside Art Gallery, securing our places in hell. Take bus to Uranus (snicker) & make it through 3 verses of "The Wheels on the Bus". Arrive @ Uranus (snicker) 15 minutes before Karaoke is set to start. DJ is not even there yet, but there is somewhat rotund mentally handicapped Chinese man already belting his heart out to bad Canto-pop ballads. We applaud him profusely & end up driving him to a dance routine later in the evening. I demand and receive an overpriced rum & coke. Once the books arrive, everyone starts filling out song slips with Prince songs and my name. I think we started with 3 in a row and later did 2 more. The Prince-a-thon officially ended with Kat & I savagely butchering "Raspberry Beret" since neither of us remembered the words (or tune for that matter). "Little Red Corvette" is abandoned all together. Are met by still more people to supply us with liquor. "Highlights" include:
Xian & Beej's performance art rendition of "Careless Whispers", complete with Beej walking out near the end.
A woman many of us guessed worked upstairs doing an impressively faithful rendition of "Private Dancer".
Sam & Deb's pitch perfect "Kiss".
Grae channeling Axel Rose for "Patience" (although the high notes weren't quite there).
The above mentioned dance routine (Jury is still out of whether it was the "best. thing. ever." or the "worst. thing. ever." Personally I'm going to best. We couldn't have planned it better if we'd found the guy on the street & paid him).

However, the gold star of the evening goes to Xian for his unique stylings on the Police's "Roxanne" (later described by Mike as "... sound[ing] like Bobcat Goldthwait coming out of Sting's ass"). Drinks: 1 - 2

11 - Midnight-ish: Finally make it upstairs to the "show-lounge" as I am now fairly sauced and demand "tits". Don buys Beej & I each a shot and waits until we down them and tears stream down our faces to inform us that we just ingested 151 proof rum. Corinne, Kat, Rachael & I form a united front by the stage in an attempt to curry the favour of the strippers. It seems to work as I am asked if it is my birthday (see silly hat). Katie buys me another rum & coke and the ever stealthy Rachael asks me my opinion on what sort of shot to order only to find out she has ordered two and one of them belongs to me. I prevent Beej from giving $20 to the skanky girl attempting (and failing) to "dance" around the pole in the corner where the rest of our party is congregated. It is later determined that she just wandered in off the street and probably isn't even employed there. Funds are pooled and Beej & I are both treated to "private dances", but sadly we could not enjoy them together. I am instead left by myself to enjoy the novelty of being asked about wedding plans while staring at the question asker's vagina. Kat & Corinne get "Sinful Sindy" to sign a poster for me and Beej is determined I have it framed to display in the office. Highlights include the yahoos across the stage from us "flashing their bling" and whispering sweet nothings into the ear of the Paris Hilton'esq dancer while being chastised by the DJ, & Beej and Corinne shaking their booties to "Hey Ya" in between dancers. Drinks: 3

Sometime after Midnight: Much broohaha at the bus stop to downtown. Meet up with Mike & Shawn who never left the karaoke lounge. Somehow make it to 7/11. While the rest of us are fetching water, Beej has to find an alley into which he unburdens the contents of his stomach. Many pictures are taken (can I get a copy of those Karl?). Wander down to Celebrities only to encounter a long line. That coupled with the $10 cover fee & our need to get back on a bus by 2AM inform our decision not to go in, but since we are supposed to meet up with people inside, calls are made and we decide to wait in case they come out so we can at least say hi. We wait so long the line moves to the point where we could have gotten in and magically one of our sister party emerges just in time to say goodbye.

1:30 - 2am-ish: Apparently we got on a bus back to the Clubhouse. Have little recollection of how things went.

2am - whenever: Gather in the living room of the Clubhouse to watch "Kaiju Big Battel". Most of us are far too drunk to make heads or tails of it & I pass out on the floor in my sleeping bag.

11am-ish: We are woken from our slumber & rides are arranged to take us to Chinefoo in Burnaby.

Noon: Chinefoo, where we finally managed to break $50 for the total bill (in fact, we hit over $70!). Many Uranus jokes are made (I laugh at all of them, still do) and no one is awarded the Bob award. Afterwards Beej & I get on a bus home & retreat to bed to burrow under our brand new duvet.

Total Drinks: 10 - 12
Total Puke: 0